Current location:	Cold, so cold in my house
Current mood:	thoughtful
Current music:	cold hands typing

That Seinfeld In Which George Does Everything Against His Natural Inclinations...
I would bet that most of us think that we are living for ourselves, living on our own terms, and cannot be swayed by the expecations of others.

If we sat down one afternoon, perhaps over a couple of foamy cappuccinos, and looked at how much we do for our own reasons - because we enjoy it and gain benefit from it - and how much we do for other reasons - keeping in line with internal or external expecations/standards of what we are, societal pressures of what we should be, being impressive to co-workers, family, or friends, wishing to appear as something more than we are - I think the balance would tip towards the latter. And so, upon realizing this, we'd both have sips from our cappuccinos to comfort us. Because they would be ridiculously good cappuccinos.

I have been looking into this in my own life. And seeing it in others too. I do far more things, than I like admitting, for reasons other than my own. This isn't always a negative thing. If I only did things for myself, I might turn out to be a rather selfish and/or sociopathic being. But I'm thinking about those things that are more personal choices than moral actions. Self-defining choices. Who am I, etc?

But this isn't about me. I know about me and it's been about me too much lately. And I'm uncomfortable with that. Well except for the part where I have to make it about me because I CAN'T play fast and loose with your lives.

We all know that we're dying. Perhaps we don't look at it like that each day as that's a little depressing. But in that truth we might find genuine experiences. So to get it out of the way I'll ask: What would you do if you didn't have the time to hum and haw about it for weeks on end? What would you say to those around you? Would you be a little more honest than you've been? Would things that stress you now, continue to stress you or would you not put up with them? Would you bother with the pressure of expectations?

But we don't live this way, because we don't have a specific departure date. Which means, we have to make nice with those we can "use" in the future, we have a reputation to uphold, we don't have "the right" to act in our interests, we have to act as though we have the time to beat around the bush. But on the flip side, we never know when it will be too late to act. We may take a turn around the bush and what we want is gone by the time we get back. We get used to putting things off (after all, we have the time, right?) and so many opportunities are missed because we act too late if we act at all.

I'm not sure. WOULD life be easier, simpler, clearer, more worthwhile if we started living like we were dying? Would we seize the opportunities in front of us? Would we have the experiences we really want and need, if we felt that time was slipping away from us? Would we do completely foolish things? Now it's all well and good to philosophize over some imaginary espresso but put into action in reality, it becomes more complex. Like everything. So here comes the ME part.

If I were to take myself and attempt some sort of social experiment tomorrow, involving me doing those things I really wanted to for my own reasons, well, I would probably be late to work for enjoying nature around me. I'd probably hug people I really shouldn't. I'd probably tell people what I really think of or feel for them, which could honestly go either way depending on the person. And that might be extremely uncomfortable, especially when I have to deal with them again in the future.

But why should that be? Why is it an embarrassment for others to know where we're coming from? What we think of them? Why should we hide it away, like a weapon? Well, because knowledge is a weapon, sure. But would being that honest to myself be worth it? Would I feel more alive? Free? Unafraid? How would others react to me? Would I end up with awkward situations on my hands? People who are upset with me? Probably. I guess I'll have to find out and let you know. Oh god, what have I done?